Minette: Thank you for the wonderful post and your sharing your experiences. The French aren't rude unless you're impolite to them. Smiles go a long way. What wonderful adventures you had - and I hope will continue to have.

Karen, I enjoyed your article on manners, too. I think that no matter one travels, it helps to just accept that things will be "different." In Paris, I feel honored, privileged, blessed when I am there -- for all the history, art, beauty (and great food) at my Parisian doorstep that I just can't get at home -- not that way... I have no problem bringing my manners up to French speed. Small price to pay for what's in store. And how hard is it really to figure it out.

I'm no expert having only two recent trips to Paris to speak of but I honestly didn't find the stereotyped rude French that is often generalized. In fact, I found a bunch of charm, delight and willingness to help. I will not forget the night I was lost, not far from the Eiffel Tower. I was trying to walk back to my apartment, maybe 15 mins. from where I became lost. It was late, close to 10pm and as I continued walking in circles, I started to feel frantic as I totally lost my bearings. I couldn't even find a metro, not that I wanted to take it at that time, just as I avoid it in NY late at night. Anyway, I finally walked into a small hotel where there was an elderly couple manning the small lobby. Relying on my not-so-good French, I smiled and said, "bonjour madame et monsieur... Je suis perdu. I continued on telling them in weak French that I don't speak French well, I am American and asked for their help. The gentleman sort of giggled and corrected my "je suis perdu" statement -- I don't recall what was wrong with it -- maybe my poor pronunciation of the letter, u? Or was it "je ME suis? His wife nudged him to stop the corrections -- I found them incredibly charming and realized I wasn't going anywhere until I could properly state that I was lost. I gave it a shot and we all laughed. I buried my face in my hands laughing as the madame gave me a reassuring pat on the hand. Pride in the lingo. So what? It is a beautiful language and they helped me to laugh. They calmed me down. I was no longer frantic -- especially when I told them the street address and they indicated I was even closer than I thought. He tried to give me directions but in French and I struggled to understand. Finally, the woman scooped up her doggy and escorted me outside. She walked me and doggy to the corner, showing me the way, waving her hands right and left as she spoke, slowly and clearly until I got it. I thanked her profusely and as I walked away from her, she yelled out, "Gardes ton sac!" I pulled my bag closer to me and waved back to her again. Big smile back from her and a yes- shake of the head. Too sweet.

And then there was the charming gent who I passed on the stairs of the apartment building who stopped in mid stride to tell me my perfume was nice and spent a minute trying to guess what it was. How utterly charming. And so different of an experience, I felt like I was in a Chanel commercial... floating down a sprial staircase of a 200 year old apartment building somewhere in Le Marais, a handsome man stops dead from a mere whiff of perfume. Hahahaaa! EVERY time I think of that 3 minute exchange, I smile. I'll never forget it.

And then I think of the waiter in a cafe who politely discarded my request for a diet coke with my meal and instead brought me a nice white wine he chose. He stood waiting for me taste it. It was so good, I had a second glass. But I was only charged for ONE glass. When I pointed it out to him, he smiled and winked -- yeah, he WINKED -- and said, "it's ok. For you, madame." (english) Too cute... all 25 years of him -- if that!

And there was the owner of my apartment rental who I ran into on the street with his friends one evening. We chatted a few minutes and finally, they invited me to join them for a meal at a nearby cafe. We sat a long time talking and laughing -- all three of them very interested in my American-NY life and I just as interested in their French-Paris lives and all of the differences and similarities between us. That was wonderful, spontaneous fun-an unforgettable evening sharing food and wine with 3 parisian men, laughing at ourselves and each other -- an experience I recognize as perhaps unique, that I was even invited along. And there's no way I'd have not gone along and missed out on such an opportunity.
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And then there was the completely adorable waiter at Paul who after seeing me snap a bunch of pics as I sat, so nicely offered to take a pic of me with my camera, sitting at the cafe... And then I took his pic because he was so sweet and I wanted to remember him.

I could go on and on... I took back some really nice experiences, both trips. And I can't wait to go again and have more.

Al, I'm glad you found this. I don't remember reading it, but I agree with Lara.

From Lara: "When we break their cultural rules they consider us to be rude.We just have different ideas of what is rude and what is polite."

This is so true, of any different culture. Where I work, we welcome people from every continent except Antarctica, so cultural differences are apparent every day. Our staff is trained to accept (tolerate) behavior that we consider rude but that is perfectly acceptable in those cultures. It's an education for everyone and a test of patience in many instances. That's one thing I love about traveling; it's enlightening to experience behavior that's different from ours, even when we find it frustrating.

Al - I loved Lara and miss her very much. But because of her physical disabilities, she was completely dependent on others for getting out. I suspect that colored her take on the French ....

There was a series on the old format which unfortunately was esased when we changed formats. IIn fact, that was what I wanted to paste. It was 16 in the series and was writen by an expat (who has gone back to the US with her husband. She was Lara Rogers and a very active BJPer. There was also a great series on big problems expats had with the Paris municipality.

RE:(16) DEFENDING THE FRENCh
BPLara Dec.29,2002

I also live in Paris and I dont think the French are rude. I do think when they are rudethat might be a bit more obvious (or comfortable) in displaying their rudeness.They are also more confortable in displaying love,lust,affection and anger in public. Cultural differences mean that some do not consider rude in France like smoking in one's face,stood in their "personal space" or cut in line if a space were left open,or yelled at someone for not doing what's expected of them,wagging a finger or giving a "pffff".They are also more private and formal than we are in the States. Yesterday I must have saidBonjour Madame a hundred times when in the US I would like up and smile at someone. When we break their cultural rules they consider us to be rude.We just have different ideas of what is rude and what is polite.While in France I try to follow their rules for I consider myself to be a guest in their country. At times itis comical, at times it is maddening at times it is wonderful and even magical. But the majority of times it is just different.

I have been trying to copy and paste a previous posting on this subject and when I click "paste" won't show up as an option. Any body else have such a problem on Topic Reply? Just a wonderful posting on the subject.

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Al -- not so far! Ah - cyber space and computers!

I have been trying to copy and paste a previous posting on this subject and when I click "paste" won't show up as an option. Any body else have such a problem on Topic Reply? Just a wonderful posting on the subject.

That's true.... My French friends are very special. It takes years to make them. If you get into trouble, they're there for you. I've given a lot of subsequent thought to that article. It could be a series. Thanks for your nice words Ellen.

K

Karen,

I enjoyed your column on etiquette and manners in the most recent newsletter. Everything you said is true from my experiences. The French are much more formal than we Americans, and forming friendships may take a little longer than in the States, but once you have a French friend, you have a friend forever.