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Mademoiselle Manners on Dining with the French
Lucky you. You’ve received an invitation to Sunday dinner at the home of Parisians. While you may as yet not fully appreciate what this means, know that it is rare for most tourists or non-French to receive an invite of this kind. Especially on a “family day” like Sunday, the French do not offer their homes or their meals with less than the most thorough thought and preparation. Be aware you’re about to experience an insider’s view of French culture. So, consider yourself fortunate and make sure you’re prepared. Here are a few suggestions.
First, have no illusions or delusions that you haven't already been the topic of long discussions. Everything from the date and time to the décor and choice of cuisine has revolved around the fact that it’s ‘You’ coming to see them. The entire notion of Sunday dinner has everything to do with eating. But also, no host overlooks the guests, their philosophies, life experiences, and ideas and will spare no preparation or steps to insure a memorable occasion for you. Instead of worrying over this—especially if your language skills are lacking—realize you're king or queen for the day. However, this can also mean that you as a newcomer to their country will be studied under their microscope, but it’s unlikely you’ll find this bothersome.
That being said, there’s no excuse for not being prepared. Bring your best self. Insure you’ve had a good rest the night before. It will be noted if you even appear to be tired, giving away the fact you were out until the wee hours. Unless your host indicates otherwise, dress is casual. Except for Sunday restaurant dining, it’s been years since I sat ‘at table’ in other than jeans on a Sunday. Most French enjoy their jeans and casual wear, too, especially since when they're at home the festivities will be drawn-out and relaxed.
Turn off your cell phone and make no subsequent plans for that day. A gift is not expected, especially if it’s food or wine. I've brought both, but understand that unless you know the person very well, this can be viewed as an affront: that they haven’t enough to feed you in the first place or that they’re serving something you won’t like. If you really want to bring something, a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers does the trick. Markets are open on Sunday mornings for this reason. Tell the floral vendor you’re going to dinner. Your request will likely result in a prettier bow or more elaborate wrapping. Also before you arrive, if you have special diet concerns or do not drink alcohol, advise your host.
Be on time. As your stay in France lengthens, you will note that the city French, like city folk in many large cities, are usually fashionably late (twenty minutes or so in Paris). Do not do this! Even if you are the first to arrive at the designated hour, your promptness will be noted and appreciated. While you wait for others to arrive or for your hosts make final touches, you’ll likely be handed a flute of champagne. Here or there, you might see plates of nuts or olives for snacking. Watch your hosts. Sit if they sit, stand if they’re still bustling around the kitchen. Don’t help yourself. Wait to be offered a snack and, if you don’t care for it, be polite but honest. Making faces or forcing food will be noticed and frowned upon. Try a few words in French but, if you’re more at ease in English, speak it clearly and slowly. Your hosts will lead the way in this regard. As a young non-French speaker I sat through a dinner spoken all in French, but enjoyed every minute. My hosts knew I wanted to learn so they rattled away in French and, believe me, those six hours eased my transition from smiling, pointing mute to fluent speaker more quickly than any high school French class!
The meal will be long. Expect to spend three to four hours at the table. There will be several courses, so don’t assume the salmon fumé starter is your main course. The portions will be small to allow for various plates. Don’t grab for the bread. In France, the bread is most often used to wipe up remaining sauces on the main course plate, or to enjoy with dessert cheeses. Again, keep your eye on your hosts. The French rarely retire to the living room for dessert either. By then everyone will be engrossed in some hefty discussion and not interested in moving!
As far as topics go, Americans love to talk about their finances; the French find this completely tasteless. It goes back to a macho belief that only certain gatherings (usually male) discuss money, and more appropriately in the workplace. Stay away from topics like bank accounts, taxes, real estate, and politics unless your host introduces them. Music, books, art, some detailed aspect of your life in the U. S.—your town’s effort to preserve an old monument or a local actor now on Broadway—will better play into the mood and energy of the dine. Nonetheless, given the state of the world today, prepare an honest assessed answer to the inevitable question, “What do Americans think of us?”
In hopes of not entirely negating all of the above-noted courteousness, it’s of primary importance to be yourself. If you feel strongly about something, let it rip. The French will adore your frankness and revel in debating with you over almost anything. To them it means their meal has succeeded in bringing out the ‘real you’. After all, they’ve just allowed you to see the ‘real them’! Bon appétit!
Kathleen Burke is a writer and lover of France, who lives in Massachusetts and Paris. She recently published a collection of shorts called ‘Vieilles Filles and Other Stories from France”.
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